Baby #5 - Pregnancy Recap (Belly Picture Progression)

Well...I was planning on writing a pregnancy update BEFORE the baby was born, haha, but since she came even earlier than we were expecting...a quick post-pregnancy recap will have to do. ;)


Major highlights:

- My placenta was low-lying again (marginal placenta previa) like it was when I was pregnant with Hudson, so I had to have a few extra ultrasounds to monitor it and make sure it moved upwards—which it did, thankfully (at 20 weeks the placenta was touching the cervix, at 24 weeks it was 1.6 cm away, and at 32 weeks it was 2.5 cm away, which was far away enough that my dr wasn’t concerned anymore)

- At each ultrasound I asked them to *make sure* it was still really a girl, haha, and it always was ;) (at my 32 wk ultrasound the technician said she’s never seen such a good view/such pronounced girl parts in all of her 5 years of being a tech, haha)

- I failed my first glucose test, and I was convinced I was going to have gestational diabetes. My failed test happened the day before Halloween, so I exerted extreme self control and didn’t eat a single piece of candy (!!!) and ate the best I could carb-free for the next few days until my 3-hr glucose test. Miracle of miracles, I passed my 3-hr test and didn’t have to worry about it anymore! Hallelujah!!

- Starting at about 28 weeks I felt like my belly was a lot bigger than in past pregnancies, so I compared myself to a picture of me 3 days before I delivered Hudson...and I looked like I was about the same size. Curt liked to joke about how big I was, and at one point I made the comment “I think I’m going to be freakishly huge by the end of this pregnancy” to which Curt replied, “I hate to say it, but I think you’re right.” Hahaha. (except he wasn't supposed to say that...) The boys—Calvin especially—also loved to comment on how big my belly was. At first we thought maybe she’d just be a really big baby (obviously not, knowing what we know now haha), but after my last ultrasound we found out that my fluid levels were really high. So that made me feel better to have a reason WHY I was so big, but it also made me worry about if/when my water broke and the mess it would make haha. (And when my water broke at the hospital, it sure felt like a lot!)

28 week belly:

vs. 3 days before Hudson was born (37 weeks):

- After the first trimester, I really felt pretty good the rest of the pregnancy. My biggest complaint was probably just being uncomfortable with how big my belly was (plus lovely new stretch marks...), and the terrible ligament pains I would have in the middle of the night. (SO painful!) And how hard it was to chase Hudson around sometimes haha.

- She was really active in the womb and moved ALL the time. Curt & I’s favorite things to do in the evenings was try to pick out body parts as she moved all around. One night we felt her little heel and followed it all around my belly, and it was adorable.

That's about all I can think of/remember at this point, so we'll end with the progression of belly pictures:

15 Weeks:

20 Weeks:

24 Weeks:

28 Weeks:

30 Weeks:

32 Weeks:

36 Weeks:

(less than one hour before she was born...!)

Due Date:

(3 weeks 5 days old)

Baby #5 Gender Reveal...it's a GIRL????!!!!!!

I admire people who are able to wait to find out the gender and make it a surprise at the birth--I think that would be such a neat experience to do that! However, I am too much of a planner and couldn't handle it. It can either be a surprise at 16 weeks, or it can be a surprise at the birth--either way it's a surprise...and if it's a surprise at 16 weeks, then I just have more time to plan and prepare. ;)

Anyway, so we planned to find out the gender at 16 weeks from the beginning. And from the very beginning when we started even talking about the idea of maybe having another baby, we assumed it would be another boy. We both have always felt like we would be a family of boys, and we've been okay with that--we even prefer it! Boys are crazy, but they are fun, and there's a lot of things we don't have to worry about (immodest clothes, periods, crazy hormones, etc). :)

So leading up to getting pregnant, and once we were pregnant, we talked about and planned on it being another boy. When we were trying to figure out a name for Hudson, we had narrowed it down to two names--Hudson (my favorite), and Porter (Curt's favorite). And then after getting pregnant again, we both still liked the name Porter and decided we would name the baby that. And it was such a nice feeling to have that already decided so we didn't have to worry about it! ;)

I knew that whenever we started telling people we were pregnant, that we would get lots of comments about how fun and exciting that would be if it ended up being a girl--and of course we did. I expected it, and I was okay with those comments, and inside I would just think to myself, "But it's going to be a boy, and that's okay. We really do want another boy!" Every once in awhile Curt and I would talk about how crazy that would be if it did end up being a girl, but we both agreed that a girl would just "mess things up," haha, and that we really would prefer a boy. And we figured it WOULD be a boy--we just didn't even consider anything different.

As we got closer to the date of the gender ultrasound, I would have a few slight feelings of, "But wait--what if it IS a girl??!" And because we were going to the same place & the same ultrasound tech that we had used to find out the gender of all the other boys (except Calvin), I could picture the room and visualize seeing the image and having her tell us what it was...except that I started visualizing it being a girl! With both Bronco & Hudson I had thought more about the possibility of it being a girl, so I figured that's what I was doing this time. A last-second hope, if you may. But I still was planning on a boy, and in my heart of hearts, I really did hope it was a boy--if just for ease and comfort, since that's what we have and know. ;)

Anyway, so Curt met me at the Dr. office for the last appointment of the day on Wednesday, Sept 4th. We had a quick 15 minute window to do the ultrasound before we had to immediately head off in separate directions for soccer games--Tucker had a game up in Lehi that Curt was coaching, and Calvin had a game in Provo that I was taking him to. We had left the older boys home and only had Hudson with us, and more than anything, I was just hoping to see a healthy baby with a heartbeat.

With literally every other gender ultrasound we've had, both Curt & I have seen the little weiner right away. With this one, however, we didn't see anything. The ultrasound tech started by looking around, giving us a good profile shot and getting oriented. And after seeing all the appropriate body parts (arms, legs, heart, etc), she just kept looking around in lots of different directions--not saying anything about the gender. We had told her at the beginning that we had four boys and were expecting another boy, and she finally said that she didn't want to get us excited or give us any false hope, but she wasn't seeing any boy parts. (WHAT???!!!) She kept looking and looking (and so did we), and she took lots of shots from every angle possible, and then she finally called it and typed in the letters G-I-R-L on the screen.......and we were in complete shock. I just kept saying, "No way. There is NO way! I CAN'T believe it!!! NO WAY!!!!" Curt was less vocal, but he just smiled and kept saying, "That's crazy!" The tech said she got all the perfect shots and saw the three little lines that indicate a girl, and she was pretty darn confident in that diagnosis. And in that quick 15 minute ultrasound, our lives changed forever....!!

I don't usually post the gender pictures (for modesty purposes, haha), 

but I still to this day have to keep looking at this to remember that it really is a girl...!!

So we walked out of the Dr. office, and I felt like our world had just been turned upside down! It was a GIRL???!!! How could it be a girl??? What would we do with a girl??? How would she fit into our crazy boy family?????!!!! 

It was hard that Curt & I couldn't talk much about it--we had to leave in our separate cars right away and pick up the boys and go straight to the soccer games. And I was freaking out inside because I couldn't talk to the boys about it or anything either!! (We were surprising them later) I ended up texting my friend Nora just because I was freaking out so much, and she called me right away, and I talked with her for just a few quick minutes in a whisper (while Calvin was getting his things gathered up in the other room). I was too in shock to be excited--I was almost upset! This was not what we had planned on!! A girl doesn't belong in our family!! I didn't even know what to think!

At the soccer game two other close friends texted (they knew I was going to be having the ultrasound that day and were wondering how it went)--and I ended up telling them it was a girl and that I was freaking out about it, haha. But they were obviously super excited for us, and telling them helped me get a little more excited about it too.

After the soccer games, we had planned to have family over to do a simple little gender reveal. I had done a little bigger reveal for Hudson, but we were assuming this would be another boy, so we decided just to keep it simple. No decorations or treats--just two cannons for the boys to shoot outside for everyone to see. I had bought the cannons the day before at Hobby Lobby, and since we didn't know the gender yet, I bought one set of each (both blue and pink). I seriously almost only bought the blue and didn't bother buying the pink, because I figured it was for sure a boy and we wouldn't need the pink one. But I ended up buying both, just in case, and I guess it's a good thing I did. ;)

We had our whole family line up in front of our garage, while my mom, Curt's parents, and Chad & Lisa & the girls looked on. (And Allie and Rachel were on FaceTime with my mom & Karli holding the phones for them to see.) We had Tucker & Calvin shoot the cannons, and it worked out perfectly! .....And everyone was SO surprised.....!!

Video of the initial reaction:

The aftermath:

The boys were set on it being a boy, so they were SUPER surprised and not very excited, haha. The grandmas, however, were EXTREMELY excited!! I love how both my mom & Curt's mom ran up and were jumping with excitement, haha. I love to watch these videos, because I still can't believe it. I still can't believe there's pink confetti that comes out--I can't believe we're going to have a GIRL!!!!!

---

To be honest, it has been a harder adjustment than I thought it would be--getting used to the idea of it being a girl. I was fully prepared and planning on having another boy, and this surprise completely threw me off! I feel like I've had to go through some grieving--grieving the loss of my "boy mom" title, and the idea of our "all boy family." I'm obviously very excited to have a girl, but I've realized that the way I've come to define myself and our family is by the fact that we have all boys...and I just have no idea how a little girl is going to fit in! I look at families with all boys--the people I used to identify myself with--and I'm almost sad at times to think that that won't be us anymore.

However, with all of that being said, knowing that it's a girl also brings me a lot of peace. Before, the thought of having another baby--and thinking that it would probably just be another boy--almost felt like we'd just be adding flame to the fire of craziness in our family. I struggled with wondering why we felt so prompted to have another baby, when our family was already wild enough and I felt maxed out as it was. But now that we know it's a girl seems to make everything make more sense. The Lord knew that we needed a little girl in our family--and we were so far from thinking that would ever happen, that we needed some strong promptings to get us to get pregnant again. And I feel like it's kind of a tender mercy--to be blessed with a little girl after having four amazing--but crazy--boys. (Not that we expect her to be calm and quiet...we fully expect her to still just add to the craziness haha.)

I had a fleeting, but sweet moment one day a few weeks after the ultrasound. I walked past the ultrasound pictures on our refrigerator, and just like I had done a million times, I stopped to look at them and wondered, "is it REALLY a girl? is this really going to happen?" And after those thoughts went through my mind, I immediately had a sweet, peaceful feeling wash over me, with the thought that YES, it really is a girl, and it's how the Lord intends it to be. And that she will be a blessing to our family.

So even though I'm nervous to see how everything works out, and nervous to see how she fits in and how we'll handle raising a girl, I'm so grateful for the opportunity we have to add a little girl to our family. I'm grateful that I will have a DAUGHTER. Writing that out brings tears to my eyes. I never thought I would have a daughter of my own. What a blessing. I'm so grateful we took a leap of faith and followed those promptings to get pregnant again. 

---

The boys are still not crazy about the idea of it being a girl, but they're getting used to it. And I'm sure as soon as she's born she will have them all wrapped around her little finger. Bronco said he had a dream about her the other night and that she was really, really cute. And ever since that dream, he has been really excited about having a sister and says he can't wait to meet her. Love that kid.

---

Now we just need to figure out what on earth we're going to name her. I've always gravitated towards boy names--I've never really had any favorite girl names. And the girl names Curt has occasionally mentioned/had in mind just don't feel right. We've pretty much only ever talked about boy names, since we figured we would always be just a family of boys. So we're basically starting from square one.

Since this is our one and only girl (this BETTER be our last baby!! I sure hope the Lord doesn't have any other crazy plans in store for us...!), this is our one shot at a girl name, and I feel like it has to be perfect. Beautiful and unique, but not over the top. Easy to spell and pronounce, classic and timeless. And all the rest of our boys' names are six letters and two syllables, and each start with a different letter...and so I feel some pressure (from myself, haha) to stick to that same pattern. I've read every name list available, multiple times. And Curt & I talk about it quite often, but nothing has "stuck" yet. We're starting to come up with a few favorites, but we'll see what happens. I seem to really like a name for a few days, and then get over it and find something different. So we'll see. Sometimes I wish babies just came with names so we didn't have to be the one to decide. ;)

I still can't believe it--but there really is a little girl inside of me, 

and we're so excited to meet her in a few months!

Baby Number FIVE...how on earth did it come about that we're going to have 5 kids?!?!?!

I'm more than halfway through the pregnancy at the time of writing this...but I still can't believe we're going to have FIVE kids!!! It's pretty crazy how it all came to be, and in true Holly fashion, haha, I have a very long, detailed explanation of it all. ;) But for anyone who cares to know just the highlights, here's a quick recap from my instagram post:

Never in a million years did I think we would have five kids—four was our max. (And I’m feeling pretty maxed out with four boys as it is...! 😬) But when Hudson was just a few months old, we had a few things happen and some strong impressions that there might just be another person who needed to join our family. So we took a leap of faith and are trusting in the Lord—and here we are. 😳 Baby Smith #5 coming in Feb 2020...right at the exact same time as our three other birthdays. 🤦🏻‍♀️ #triedtoavoidthat #thelordhasasenseofhumor 😂 The first trimester was a beast, (especially with moving right during the middle of it! ) but I’m #16weeks tomorrow and finally feeling much better. 🙏🏻 Gender ultrasound tomorrow... #totallyexpectinganotherboy

So there's the short of it. :)

And now here's the long, detailed explanation of all the feelings and experiences we've been going through the past 18 months...


I've blogged all about our experiences trying to get pregnant with Hudson HERE (miscarriage) and HERE (pregnant again). But long story short (and yes, this is important for background info, haha), we tried for about a year, unsuccessfully, to get pregnant with Hudson, finally found out I had hypothyroidism which was apparently the problem, and got pregnant right after starting medication...but then had a miscarriage. We were able to get pregnant again soon after the miscarriage, and I was blessed to carry full term, resulting in Hudson. Going through that whole process left a much bigger gap between Bronco and Hudson than we would have chosen--almost exactly four years.

Here are the thoughts and feelings I wrote down last summer, explaining when and how the feelings came that we needed to have another baby:


Written JUNE 2018

A few days after Hudson turned two months, Curt and I were sitting after the kids were in bed, talking about the future of our family—how old each of the boys would be at certain times, etc. We talked a lot about how since Hudson is four years younger than Bronco, he will be alone at home for all of high school; and as we realize this isn’t the worst thing ever, we talked about how much we wished that wasn’t the case. Collin really struggled for just the two years that he was at home alone, and we want to do everything we can to provide the best situation for Hudson so that he might not have to struggle in a similar way. I made the comment that I wish Hudson could have been born sooner so that he could have been closer to Bronco, and then Curt said something to the effect of, “Well if he was meant to be born sooner, he would have been. Clearly he came when the Lord wanted him to.” (Since we had been trying for so long to get pregnant, and then had a miscarriage and everything.) Then I don’t remember if one of us made this comment out loud, or if it was just a distinct thought I had, but the clear impression came that maybe the reason it took so long for Hudson to come to our family was so that we would be willing to consider having another baby; that maybe there was another person that was supposed to be in our family. Before, whenever we talked about having kids, our max was always four. (Actually, Curt’s max was three, and it took awhile for me to convince him that we should have a fourth, haha) We never even talked about or considered a fifth child. Had Hudson been born closer to Bronco, I’m pretty sure we would have never even had the conversation about having another baby. But after that comment/realization that night that perhaps the reason it took Hudson so long to come was so we would consider having another...we joked and then started talking a little seriously about maybe having another baby. And it hit me that maybe all the small things that had happened and I had been feeling beforehand, were also pointing toward the idea of having another baby.

When we got pregnant with Hudson, we always said and told everyone that he would be our last. But as time wore on, I started having the thought in the back of my mind of how I would have to eat my words later if maybe he wasn’t our last. And I could never feel okay with any form of permanent birth control after Hudson was born (vasectomy or tubes tied)—just in case. And I should have been excited about the idea of giving away all my maternity clothes and baby stuff as we finished with it, but I just always had this thought/fear in the back of my mind that we might need it again. For a couple of weeks when Hudson was a month old, I felt pretty strongly that maybe I could/should offer to be a surrogate for some of our friends who haven’t been able to have kids yet—pregnancy is pretty easy for me, and I was willing to do it. But then after considering the Church’s pretty strong stand against it, Curt & I decided we probably shouldn’t pursue that. During that time, I went in to get an IUD for birth control, and my uterus was randomly retroverted/tilted, and my Dr couldn’t get it to work, so I ended up not being able to get it. (which was super random & my Dr was super surprised at—since I’ve had two IUD’s before and I’ve never had any problems like this before...) At the time I thought maybe the IUD didn’t work so I could be a surrogate, but then after Curt & I’s discussion about possibly having another baby, I realized the reason could be (& probably was) so that we could have another baby. Because as we’ve talked about it, we’ve felt like it might be good to get pregnant as soon as possible, so that Hudson & the new baby could only be a year apart in school...

Anyway, as this all started to unfold, I was super against it. Curt was pretty okay with the idea of another baby from the start (which must truly be an act of God—because that has never been the case whenever I’ve wanted to get pregnant before, haha! It’s always taken awhile for me to talk him into being okay with it), but I struggled. I’ve been excited to get my body back in shape and get back to the point of having older kids to make it easier to get things done, develop my own hobbies, etc—and the idea of getting pregnant and starting over AGAIN, not to mention having two kids really close together which would be really hard, made me just want to cry. I prayed pretty hard for a few weeks to have my heart softened, and for help in being humble and willing to sacrifice my body and my selfish desires—if it be the Lord’s will that we were to have another baby. And over the course of those few weeks I started thinking that maybe it really was the Lord’s will, because I slowly started to become okay with the idea. And as I started to pray with the specific question to know if we really should have another baby, I started to feel like the answer was yes...

D&C 6:14-15 “Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time. Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth;”

I always have a hard time recognizing/trusting when I receive revelation/promptings from the spirit; it’s hard for me to discern my own thoughts from those of the spirit, and it’s something I’m always trying to work on. Anyway, as I started feeling like maybe the answer to my prayers was YES—that we should have another baby—I was all gung-ho about it for a few days. I felt pretty strongly about it and even a little excited, and it was all I could think about and focus on. But then that started to wear off and my feelings about it weren’t as strong, and I wondered if I had just blown the whole thing up in my mind and obsessed about it so much that I had just convinced myself that the answer was yes. (I have a tendency to obsess about things/ideas when I first start thinking about them, and then I eventually cool off.) I came across these scriptures during my personal study at the time when all this was going on, and I didn’t have any strong “lightning bolt” feelings when I first read them, but the words kept coming back to me, and I kept going back and rereading these scriptures multiple times over the course of about a week. Again, no super strong feelings came as I would read them, but I just felt that these words were important to remember and could possibly play a key part as I was trying to sort out my feelings and determine what was coming from the spirit and what was coming from my own mind. I did feel that the line “blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me...If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time” was directly applicable to me. I felt that I was doing the right thing by praying for a softened heart to follow the Lord’s will and praying directly to know if we should have another baby; and I felt that because I had prayed for these things, I was blessed to be at the place/mindset where I was truly willing to know and do what the Lord wanted me to do. “Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth;”—I feel like I should feel some sort of spiritual feeling as I read this words—confirming to me that the feelings I’ve had are true and that the answer is really yes. But as I read this, it’s more of an intellectual confirmation feeling that I feel—that I just need to remember in my mind that these feelings have been coming from the spirit.

I went out with my friend Nora last week and we talked about anything and everything—I love talking with her because she is very real and I feel like we can talk about any subject without fear of being judged by each other. Anyway, at one point there was a lull in the conversation and she asked if there was anything else going on in my life that I was dealing with, and I told her about all of this and how we’re trying to decide whether or not to have another baby. I recounted a lot of what I’ve written, and as I got to the part explaining the conversation Curt and I had where the thought first came that perhaps maybe the reason it took so long for Hudson to come was so that we would be willing to consider having another baby...I got very warm and “tingly” as I explained it. Oftentimes the way I feel the spirit is that I feel “tingly” all over. I told Curt about it and he keeps joking that it was my uterus tingling, haha. But then we’ve talked about how maybe that’s my answer?

D&C 6:33-34 “Fear not to do good, my sons, for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward. Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.”

I read this scripture a few days later, and it stuck out to me and calmed my heart. I have a lot of fears with the idea of having another baby—how would I be able to handle FIVE kids, when I already struggle with four, especially if the last two were super close together? How would we be able to have enough money to provide for another child when we’re barely making it as it is? What if we had another miscarriage—could we handle that again? What if something ended up being wrong with the baby and it had special needs—would we be able to handle that? How on earth would I be able to handle church on my own with five kids (especially the last two close together) when Curt is in the bishopric and I feel like I am barely treading water as it is right now? Could I mentally/emotionally handle five kids? What would people (especially our families) think of us—our family is already crazy enough! All of these fears keep coming to mind and make me doubt whether or not we could handle another baby/child. When I read this scripture to “fear not to do good” I felt like it was directly applicable to me and that I shouldn’t worry about these “worldly” fears—that having another baby is a good thing and following the Lord’s commandment to multiply and replenish the earth, and that He would provide. Again, no super strong spiritual feeling as I first read it, but just the feeling that it applied to me and that I should remember these words.

Then a few days ago (Sunday night) Curt and I had some time alone to talk about this subject again—to talk more in depth about having another baby and whether or not I should keep taking my birth control pills or not. I went back to these scriptures and read them to him, and as I read these specific verses, I was overcome with emotion and started crying. And as I was embarrassed and tried to move past it, I think we both felt that it was significant and a sign that maybe that was our answer.

As we continued to talk and weigh out our options (continue taking my birth control pills or not, and whether or not to move forward with an appointment I have coming up to try again to get another IUD), we both felt that we should not continue with birth control. Not that we necessarily feel that it’s time to start actively trying, but we don’t feel good about preventing right now. So that’s where we currently stand, and we both feel good about it—as crazy as it still seems to me when I stop and think about it. Obviously these feelings must be coming from the Lord, because there is no way in heck that we, on our own, would have come to this conclusion to maybe try to have another baby, especially so soon after just having another baby.

Written JULY 2018

Update: A few weeks after all of this, I was with Lisa at the pool, and we had a lot of time to talk as we watched the kids swim. For some reason I ended up bringing this topic up and told her how I’ve been feeling. Once again, just as it had happened when I talked with Nora, I got very warm and tingly as I explained everything to her—especially the distinct thought I’d had that maybe the reason it took so long for Hudson to get here was so that we would be willing to consider having another baby. Also, talking things through with her helped me realize that this really all must be coming from the Lord—because she was amazed that Curt was on board (she knows how hard I’ve had to work to try to talk Curt into having babies before, haha). She mentioned that if both Curt and I are feeling the same way, then that’s a pretty strong indicator that it must be coming from the Lord.

A few days after this, Curt & I decided to fast (on July 1st) to know if we should keep moving in the direction of having another baby—and soon. It was the Saturday before, and we had just talked about how we were going to fast for it the next day. I had gotten out of the shower and realized I had forgotten to say my morning prayers. I went to our closet and knelt down in prayer—with the thoughts (and fears) of having another baby on my mind. As I prayed, I had a complete peaceful reassurance wash over me. It’s hard to put into words, and it wasn’t anything super strong, but just a peaceful calm, and the feeling that everything would work out okay for us to have another baby. That even though it will be hard, it is right and it will be okay.

I’m writing this down now, because I need to remember those feelings I’ve felt throughout this process. It’s been almost a month since that last experience, and it’s tempting to want to just ignore or forget those feelings—life is going great now that Hudson is getting older and sleeping better...and it would sure be nice to be done having kids. ;) But I cant deny these feelings I’ve felt, and I want and need to remember them so that when the times are hard as we try to get pregnant/I am pregnant/we have a new baby, I can remember that this was the right thing to do, inspired of the Lord.

So as a short recap & then continuation of the story...

When Hudson was only 2 months old (May 2018), we started feeling like we needed to have another baby. We prayed and fasted and thought about it for about a month, and felt like it was right the right decision, so I got off birth control at the end of June. (we weren't officially "trying"--we just weren't preventing; and I was obviously still nursing exclusively, so we figured we'd be pretty safe for awhile, and/or things would work out the way they were supposed to) We started more actively "trying" at the end of the year, but I was still nursing, and nothing happened. I finally finished nursing when Hudson was just over a year--I actually wondered if I should try to wean him sooner so that we COULD get pregnant sooner (if we were going to have another baby to have it be close to Hudson, we kind of just wanted it to happen sooner rather than later so we could just get through with it, haha)...but I never felt 100% good about that idea, so we just let things play out and happen as they would. 

We really wanted to avoid getting pregnant at the same time as we did with Calvin, Bronco, and Hudson (to avoid another birthday in that two-week span)...but as luck would have it (or the Lord's sense of humor, or apparently we have a definite fertile time...), we got pregnant at the end of May and found out in June. Which puts the due date at Feb 19th--RIGHT smack dab in the middle of our crazy birthday season. (Calvin's birthday is Feb 17, Bronco's birthday is Feb 20, and Hudson's birthday is March 1...!) We're hoping this baby comes three weeks early like they all did, so we could at least have a late Jan/early Feb birthday...but we'll see. :)

How did we feel when we found out we were pregnant?

I was supposed to start my period when we were at Lake Powell the first week of June, so when I didn't, I knew it was a possibility. I took a pregnancy test two days after we got home (Mon, June 10th), and it was positive! (albeit slightly) So I took another test two days later, and the line was a little darker (and I went in to the dr. to get my thyroid & progesterone levels checked, along with hcg, to hopefully avoid some of the issues I had with Hudson), and everything looked right where it was supposed to be.

Test #1:

Test #2:

Curt was really excited (just another testament that this was meant to be--because he's usually the one stressing out when we find out we're pregnant)...but I struggled with it. I was excited in the sense that I was glad it was finally happening after we'd been feeling for so long that it needed to happen, but the idea of being pregnant again and having another baby that would grow into another child--was very overwhelming.

A week after we moved into our new house, I found the thoughts that I had written above about how we were prompted to get pregnant again, and I wrote the following as an addendum to it:

Written JULY 2019

Here I am, about a year later from writing down those experiences. I am 10 weeks pregnant (!!!), and completely terrified and not excited about it. Life, and parenting in particular, has been really hard/stressful/demanding lately, and I’m having a really hard time feeling excited about this baby. I’ve been so tired and fairly sick, and so overwhelmed, and I have NO idea how on earth we are supposed to be able to handle having another child. Our boys are so crazy, they fight so much, and I feel like a failure as a mom more often than not. We’ve hardly told anyone about the pregnancy—Curt’s been anxious to tell everyone—but I just can’t bring myself to tell anyone because I’m so NOT excited about it. I feel bad writing all of that out, but it’s how I’m truly feeling, and I need to let it out somewhere. I feel ashamed to say that I’ve even been okay with the idea of having a miscarriage if it were to happen, because I’m so terrified of having another baby. (It’s not necessarily the baby I’m afraid of having—it’s the fact that the baby will grow up into another full-blown child who will add to the craziness of our family and be another person who throws tantrums and fights and yells at me and drains me, emotionally and physically...) In my defense, life has been pretty taxing lately as we just moved (which is SUCH a blessing to be in a bigger house!)—right in the middle of when I feel the worst during pregnancy. So I’m hoping and praying that once we get settled in the new house and new ward, and once I start feeling better physically, that hopefully I’ll start feeling better about the pregnancy, and emotionally in general.

Anyway, I’m writing all this out to explain just how grateful I am that I wrote out the whole experience of how we received inspiration and felt the direction from the Lord to have another baby. As I re-read it all tonight, it helped me remember that there is a Divine purpose to this, and that this baby is meant to be in our family. And now I am going to get on my knees and pray for support and strength and a softened heart towards it. I’ve just been trying to ignore it in my prayers, and I’m realizing that I can and need to turn to the Lord for help, and He can strengthen me and help me feel better about it.

How am I feeling about it now?

Thankfully--I am truly so, so grateful--I've had a complete 180 degree shift from those feelings I wrote just a few months ago. Yes, I'm still nervous about having another baby/child, but I'm actually excited about it...! I know it will be hard and crazy, but I'm excited to add this little person to our family.

I've realized that I struggle a little with depression in my first trimesters--or at least I have with the last few pregnancies. I think a big part of that is obviously because I'm not feeling very well physically, but I think it has some to do with hormones as well. And then with this pregnancy it was a lot worse because we were moving, and there were so many crazy, stressful things going on. 

A turning point was when we had my 12 week appointment, and we had a quick ultrasound and saw the baby for the first time. Seeing the baby helped me realize that it was a little person, and we would love anyone who came into our home.

I started feeling more like myself--physically and emotionally--at about 16/17 weeks, and it was such a huge shift in my mental state. I'm SO grateful to be feeling so much better! And I'm so grateful to be feeling more excited about this baby!! (more thoughts about this to come in my post about finding out the gender) ;)

How was the first trimester?

This pregnancy has been fairly similar to my other pregnancies--I started feeling super tired and pretty nauseous about 6/7 weeks. I threw up a fair amount with Tucker & Calvin, and then never threw up with Bronco & Hudson, but felt more nauseous overall; with this one, I felt pretty gross and nauseous all the time, and I had a few extreme moments where I had to hug the toilet bowl and dry heave. (One of those times, Hudson decided to join me in the bathroom and thought it was funny and pretended to throw up into the toilet right alongside of me, haha) 

I didn't have too hard of a time with smells like I did with Calvin & Hudson, or with food aversions like I did with Tucker, but I had a really hard time with the after-taste of foods--I couldn't stand the taste left in my mouth after I ate. So I felt best as I was in the act of eating, and I was pretty much constantly snacking to try to cover up/get rid of after-tastes from previous foods. (I'm so grateful this finally went away at about week 16--I feel like I can eat normal again!) 

I craved meat and fried foods (especially french fries), and I had a harder time with vegetables for awhile. A random craving I had was for Hawaiian shaved ice (not just a slushy or something, but a more fancy shaved ice with real fruit and cream mixed in)--I'd never really had Hawaiian shaved ice before, but I wanted it SO bad and felt like it would perfectly calm my stomach and not leave a terrible after-taste. I didn't get the chance to satisfy that craving (I wasn't really sure where to get it?) until I discovered/remembered about Bahama Bucks, and Curt & I went there to celebrate the anniversary of our first date on Sept 3rd (15 years!!!). And the coconut cream pie flavor, with cream added in and ice cream on the bottom, was everything I had hoped and dreamed it would be. :) (it's a shame I'm too cheap to go back again, haha, though I've been tempted!)

I tried to keep up my exercise routine during the first trimester (I'd been doing Insanity Max:30, 3-4 times a week), but with how tired I was, and especially with the craziness of moving, I had to take a few weeks off...and I really struggled with getting back into it. A lot of the reason why I exercise is because it helps me feel so much better emotionally--it gives me some "me" time so I feel I have more to give the kids. Anyway, as I started feeling physically and emotionally better about 16-17 weeks, I was finally able to be motivated and physically capable of exercising again, and it makes such a big difference! I have to modify the exercises quite a bit (much lower intensity, haha), but it gives me more energy and helps me feel more happy. Even though getting up early before everyone else is a struggle...it's totally worth it!

How did we announce we were pregnant?

I usually get really excited to figure out a way to announce we're pregnant, but I was struggling with this one so much, that Curt ended up taking the reigns. 

I was a lot more tired and just felt sicker overall with the pregnancy than I have before, and one of the ways I coped was by taking a little cat nap every day. The boys didn't understand this, and Tucker may or may not have been heard to say that I was too lazy to get things done... (which when he said this, I immediately texted Curt and told him I wanted to punch Tucker in the face haha--great parenting) Anyway, so Curt suggested that we tell the boys sooner rather than later, just so they would understand and could hopefully be more helpful with the move and everything. So we ended up telling them on Saturday afternoon when I was seven weeks along--kind of on a whim. Curt suggested we do it by playing pictionary, and he got it all on video, which I'm SO happy about! We came across the video a few days ago, and I love going back and watching it over and over--everyone's reactions are so funny!!

My favorite parts are:

- Tucker being so proud of himself for guessing the picture correctly & then the realization suddenly hitting him

- Calvin's immediate response, "No you're not"

- and Bronco's very first comment after taking it all in..."you have TWO babies?!" hahaha

I'm so glad we got it on video!

We didn't end up telling family until after my first Dr appointment, when I was 12 weeks along. We invited everyone over for pizzas to help celebrate my birthday, and we decided we might as well finally tell them all, so Curt came up with the idea to write it on the parchment paper underneath the dessert pizza. Everyone took the slices of the dessert pizza pretty quickly, and no one noticed or said anything, so I was worried we were going to have to bring attention to it somehow. But then Allie saw it and was like, "WHAT?!" So then they all saw it and were excited for us. (Which I was grateful they were excited, instead of thinking we were crazy, since that's how I was still feeling at the time...)

So there you have it! I still can't believe it's happening, but we're excited and looking forward to it--it's going to be a crazy, fun adventure. And my next post will be about the gender reveal and all my thoughts on that... ;)

Hudson's Birth Story

Hudson Michael Smith

March 1, 2018

5 lbs 3 oz, 18 inches

9:36 pm

Last Wednesday, Feb 28th, I had the urge to get a few extra things done in preparation for the baby—things like grocery shopping and stocking up on foods that would be good to have on hand for the kids, doing laundry a day earlier than normal, filling up the car with gas, etc. Small things that I wouldn’t normally do unless I knew the baby was coming soon, but which I felt would be good to do that day, for whatever reason. I was completely wiped out after going grocery shopping that morning, so when I got home, I put a show on for Bronco and collapsed with him on the couch for a nice one hour nap—something I very rarely do. Also that day I started feeling a little different; I couldn’t put my finger on what it was exactly, but I told Curt I was starting to feel differently and that I wouldn’t be surprised if the baby came soon.

That night Curt stayed up late working in the basement (he was starting his two busiest weeks of work out of the year...and he worked in the basement every night after the kids were in bed), and I hung out with him in his office, working on some church primary things. There was something for cub scouts that needed to get done that night, and I had to have help from the other bishopric counselor, Gianni, to get it done. I ended up being on the phone with Gianni at 10:00 that night, trying to get it all figured out, and while I was on the phone with him, I started having some real (as opposed to Braxton Hicks) contractions. I think we were on the phone for about 30 minutes? And I had probably 3-4 contractions during that time. As soon as I got off the phone, I told Curt I was having a few contractions, and we laughed about the fact that I was 37 weeks 3 days—exactly as far along as I was when I went into labor with both Calvin & Bronco. And we laughed about the fact that it was *almost* March 1st (2 hrs away)—which was my goal, to make it to March. (And funny—Curt’s Mom had just texted me a half hour earlier, saying it was 2.5 hrs to March and that it looked like we were going to make it!) So Curt & I talked for a few minutes about how crazy it would be to go into labor then, but then he had to get back to work. I tried to play it off a little, because he had quite a few things going on the next two days, and I didn’t want to stress him out, but I had a feeling deep down that this was going to be it. I downloaded an app to start keeping track of my contractions, just to make me feel better.

The last belly picture I took at 37 weeks--4 days before he was born:

I went up to bed pretty soon after that, and I was having contractions (pretty mild, but yet still “real”) about every 10-15 minutes. I fell asleep for awhile, and then woke up a little after 1:00 when Curt came to bed. We talked for a few minutes, and then he fell asleep, but I never did. My contractions started picking up at that point, 8 minutes apart, then 7, and then 5-6 minutes apart. And that’s where I stood for the next two hours—contractions every 5-6 minutes, lasting about 45 seconds to a minute in length, and picking up in intensity. I debated about when to wake Curt up—I wanted him to be able to get as much sleep as possible since he had a lot of late work nights ahead of him. The contractions weren’t coming any closer together yet, but when I thought about the time it would take to get Curt’s parents up here and get to the hospital, I figured we should probably start that process fairly soon.

At 3:30 Curt rolled over and asked how I was doing, and I told him I was having pretty regular contractions and that I thought it was about time to call his parents and get to the hospital. He said he needed to get in the shower to wake up more so we could figure out the details. Strangely enough, when Curt got into the shower, my contractions started slowing down, and I didn’t have a single one for fifteen minutes. When I told him this after he got out of the shower, we decided to lay down for a few more minutes and see what happened. After that, they started slowing down to every 10 minutes, then every 15-20 minutes. So Curt fell back asleep and I slept off and on between contractions, still timing them on my phone.

When the boys woke up at 6:30, the contractions started picking up again—anywhere from every 2 to 8 minutes for the next hour. I figured they’d continue picking up and we’d be heading to the hospital soon, so we called and texted our families and let them know what was going on and that the baby would most likely be coming that day. At this point I was glad everything had slowed down so Curt could get more sleep and so that we didn’t have to call family in the middle of the night. I was also glad we got to see the boys—I was sad in the middle of the night when I thought I wouldn’t be able to see them before we headed out. The boys were SUPER excited when we told them I was in labor!! Curt got the boys breakfast and everything so I didn’t have to worry about it as I was trying to get ready while having contractions.

I already had my 37 week OB appt scheduled for that morning at 9:40, so we figured I would plan on going to that appt, unless things picked up and we needed to go to the hospital sooner. Curt made some calls and rearranged some of his plans for the day so he could go to the appt with me and work from home the whole day so he could be ready to go to the hospital whenever.

Curt took all the kids to school...and then my contractions slowed down again, to every 15-20 minutes. I started getting a little depressed at this point. What was wrong with my body?! It knew how to do this, so why wasn’t it doing it faster? The time I was in labor with Bronco was 4.5 hours—from the time of my first contraction to the time he was born. I didn’t expect it to go THAT fast again, but I figured it would still happen fairly quickly. By the time I got to my OB appt I was hardly having any contractions at all. I think I maybe had 3 total while we were there. (I was so frustrated/depressed about it at that point that I stopped keeping track of them, because it was stressing me out and making me upset.)

I told Dr. Harrison that I was up all night with contractions but that they had slowed down—and when she checked me I was dilated 3 cm and 70% effaced. (At my OB appt one week before, I was dilated 1 cm and 65% effaced.) So at least I had made progress!! (I was going to be so sad if I hadn’t progressed at all...!) She talked with me about the ultrasounds and NST’s I had had in the last week (they were monitoring me & the baby closely since he was measuring 4 weeks behind), and she said that if everything continued to look good, she would induce me on Sunday the 11th (39 weeks)...if I was still pregnant. But then she said she would probably just see me sometime that weekend at the hospital, based on my contractions and everything. ;)

The rest of the day I continued to have contractions off and on. Sometimes they would pick up and be consistent for an hour, and then they would taper off again. Whenever I had them, however, they were the stop-me-in-my-tracks-and-try-to-breathe-through-them kind of contractions. The funniest was probably when I went to Hobby Lobby to get something real fast while Bronco was at preschool, and I had a pretty bad contraction while I was walking around. I tried to keep walking and pretend nothing was wrong...but I’m sure my face said otherwise haha.

That afternoon I had a non stress test at the hospital. I was hoping my contractions would pick up and they’d just have me walk over to labor and delivery...but no such luck. I had ONE measly contraction during the whole test. ONE. Seriously?! What was wrong with my body?! I was in a pretty bad mood the whole day—tired, emotionally drained, and feeling like a failure. I felt like I was failing everyone—we had told our families and a few other people that I was in labor...and yet it appeared that I really wasn’t. They kept texting me throughout the day for updates (only meaning well of course), and I felt like my body was broken and failing everyone. I took another nap on the couch after my NST, just to try to forget everything and catch up on the sleep I had lost the night before.

By the time I picked the boys up from school, I was convinced that nothing was going to speed up anytime soon, and that I would probably stay pregnant for another few days or so. Which, looking back, would have been totally fine, but at the moment, I was devastated about. I was ready and wanted to just get it over with! The boys were sad and confused when I was the one who picked them up—they had expected me to have the baby by then, and we had told them that Curt’s parents would probably be the ones picking them up.

We went through the after-school routine just like normal (with contractions still coming off and on), and then Curt was nice and made pancakes for dinner, since I thought I was going to have a baby and hadn’t planned anything (and wasn’t really in the mood to make anything). I kept having to go to the bathroom (which, let’s be honest, was pretty normal for this point in pregnancy, haha), but I felt the urge to go even more than normal, almost looking for some sort of relief.

I was going to the bathroom when Curt got a phone call from Gianni (the other counselor in the bishopric); Curt had a bunch of callings he needed to extend later that night, and that morning Curt had told the Bishop and Gianni that he probably wouldn’t be able to do them, since I was in labor. But later in the day when it looked like nothing was going to happen with me anytime soon, Curt had told them that never mind, he WOULD be able to do the calling extensions. Anyway, so Gianni was calling Curt for an update and verifying that it would be okay for Curt to do them. I was on the toilet, and Curt was in the other room, literally saying the words, “No, her contractions slowed down and it doesn’t look like anything is going to happen today after all...” when I felt a strong feeling of pressure, and then a pop! as fluid started coming out of me. My water had just broken!!!

I yelled to Curt that my water broke, and I heard him say to Gianni, “Well, nevermind, Holly’s water just broke! ...Yep, just now as we were talking, haha. I’ll have to call you back!” I find it so funny that my contractions started when I was on the phone with Gianni the night before, and then my water broke as Curt was on the phone with Gianni that night, haha! Apparently Gianni was a key player in my labor...! ;)

Anyway, as soon as my water broke (it was about 6:15 pm), I started getting the shakes pretty bad, and my contractions started coming on a LOT harder, and a little bit closer together (about every 7 minutes). At first it was just a little fluid when my water broke, so I had the worry that maybe I had mistaken it, and it was just pee. When I stood up and started walking around, however, there was NO question that it had been my water breaking—I kept leaking fluid like nobody’s business...!! It was the craziest feeling. There was seriously SO much! And it would gush out a ton at once, and then nothing. (So crazy, since that wasn’t how it was at all when my water broke with Calvin; with him it was just a steady slow leak...)

The boys were SO excited at this point!! We had talked about the different ways I could go into labor—one being with contractions, and one being with my water breaking. They had always been super interested/intrigued by the idea of my water breaking and would always ask lots of questions about it. So when they heard that my water broke, they all came running to me and were so, so excited about it. (And Curt had to remind them to give me space haha)

The contractions that came afterwards were SO much more painful and lasted longer—I had to completely stop everything and hold on to something and work really hard to breathe through them. There was no question that it was definitely time to go to the hospital!!!

(When Tucker saw how hard and painful the contractions were, he brought me his special stress ball—he said he thought it could help me get through them. It was so sweet! And I have kept the stress ball in the bathroom where he gave it to me, all this last week, just as a little reminder of how sweet he was, and how crazy the whole labor was.)

Anyway, so I wasn’t too concerned about leaving for the hospital RIGHT, right away...but Curt on the other hand, definitely was. He jumped into action, called his parents immediately, asking them to come up and sit with the boys, and loaded everything in the car within a few minutes. (Earlier that morning, when we thought we’d be going to the hospital sooner, we had finished packing the hospital bag and gathered everything we needed, so it was really nice that it was all ready to go for Curt to grab after my water broke.) I was totally fine waiting the 20-30 minutes for Mike & Chris to get up here, and I wanted to pick up the house a bit and do the dishes before leaving, but Curt insisted we leave ASAP. He called multiple people (mostly neighbors), trying to find someone to come sit with the boys for about 15 minutes until his parents got here, but no one was answering their phones. He finally got a hold of our friend Nora, and she was to our house within about 2 minutes. (bless her!) We kissed the boys goodbye and were off!

I was excited things were FINALLY happening, and yet terrified at the same time for what I was about to go through. My shakes wore off just a little before we left the house, and then the contractions picked up. And oh, how they hurt!! I had a few contractions on the way to the hospital (thankfully not too many), which were super uncomfortable. Curt was super concerned about getting me to the hospital as quickly as possible—he remembered how fast things had progressed with past pregnancies, and he wanted me to be able to get the epidural right away and everything. He was SO bugged by all the other drivers on the road and more than once almost zoomed around people to try to go faster. (It was totally your typical husband-freaking-out-driving-his-wife-in-labor-to-the-hospital scenario, haha.)

We got to the hospital a little before 7:00 pm, and Curt dropped me off at the door while he went to park. I walked inside and sat on a chair waiting for him, and I had a few contractions while I was sitting. A lady walked by and saw me and kind of did a double take and then asked if I was okay—if everything was alright. I told her my water just broke and I was waiting for my husband to come in, and she congratulated me and wished me good luck, and then a few other people in the lobby area chimed in and wished me good luck too. It was so random and funny, and yet so sweet.

We checked in and got set up in the room. My contractions were coming pretty closely at this point, and the girl who was getting me set up in the room as I was about to change kept saying, “If you need help, or if you feel ANY pressure, press this red button!” Apparently I was looking pretty close to delivering haha.

They checked me after I got changed into the hospital gown (all while fluid was STILL leaking out), and I was dilated to a 4+ (almost a 5). I was glad I wasn’t TOO close yet, since I definitely wanted an epidural and wanted to be able to get some antibiotics in me for group B strep.

I was hooked up to the IV by 7:45, and then the epidural was in at about 8:15. (The epidural was still the worst part of the delivery, by far. I can’t really even think about it without getting the shakes...those “zings” when it goes in are terrible...!) It took awhile for the epidural to kick in, and I was starting to get really worried that it wasn’t going to work. I could still lift my legs and feel every contraction—and a couple of them were SUUUUPER painful. Side note: I don’t remember my contractions with Bronco being nearly as bad. I remember I had to work to breathe through them and everything, but I thought I remembered them being more manageable. Maybe it was because I had been “laboring” and having contractions for so long since the night before or something (as opposed to only four hours with Bronco), but the contractions this time around seemed a lot worse. (And maybe it was because my water broke?) With Bronco I felt like I could have done it naturally if I’d wanted. But this time there was no way I could have gone naturally—I was dying to have that epidural work! (Although I was still proud of myself for being able to handle them with breathing. It was just really hard.) Anyway, so I pushed the epidural button twice for some bolus shots, and it finally, finally kicked in. And oh! How sweet it was!! As much as I truly hate getting the epidural put in...the relief it brought was totally & completely worth those terrible zings. I could have kissed that anesthesiologist!! (He really was so kind & so good to work with.)

We were kind of waiting to see how things were going to go—I wanted the epidural in and we wanted to make sure there were no problems with the placenta that would lead to a c-section, etc, so we had waited to invite our moms to come. But when they finally checked me again after the epidural finally kicked in (a little after 9:00), I was dilated to a 6/7...so I quickly texted our moms and told them they were welcome to come. (I sent the text at 9:08)

I figured we had at least a half hour to 45 minutes, but then they came in and checked me about 15 minutes later and I was complete and ready to go...!! Curt texted our families at 9:25 that it was go time, and then 3 contractions and a couple of pushes later, Hudson Michael Smith entered the world at 9:36 pm. So apparently my body DID remember how to have a baby after all. ;) (And our moms ended up getting there about 10-15 minutes later...)

With all the concerns with him measuring so small, we were hoping he would be at least 5 lbs...and he was!! 5 lbs 3 oz!! But still so teeny. Small as he was though, he checked out perfectly and got an 8/9 APGAR score (out of 10). And I love that he waited until March—even if just barely. ;) And he was born at 37 weeks 4 days, exactly like Calvin & Bronco. If anything, our boys are consistent, haha!

He came out face up, and apparently he got stuck on my pelvic bone, so I feel like I had to try harder and push a little longer with him than I did the other boys...but who knows/remembers for sure?

Just like with the other boys, it was such an amazing and crazy feeling when Dr. Harrison pulled him out (and feeling my belly empty out) and then laid him on my chest. My overwhelming feeling was just that he was finally here—the final member of our family that we had hoped and prayed for and worried about. This sweet baby was here at last.

The miracle of life is truly a miracle—the fact that we are blessed with the incredible opportunity to be co-creators with God—that Curt and I created this little life, that my body grew him and then helped him enter the world. Curt had given me a Priesthood blessing a few days before, and in it I was reminded of the sacred nature of childbirth, and I was told that there would be angels among the doctors and nurses, aiding in the birth of this little boy. I feel that he definitely has a special spirit—our little miracle baby.

Skipping ahead for just a second...as amazing as it was when Hudson was born, it was almost more emotional for me watching the older boys meet their new little brother for the first time the next day—having them all together for the first time and seeing their love and awe over him.

Curt had a dream a couple of months ago (that he actually remembered, which is rare) where he saw all four boys up in heaven together, as adult men. He could tell they were already really close friends, and they were standing arm in arm, looking down on Curt & I as newlyweds, talking about how excited they were to come down and be brothers together as a part of our family. They were deciding what order they would come down, and they decided Tucker would come down first so that he could be a good example of living the gospel, and then they each in turn decided the order for the rest of them. Obviously we don’t know how doctrinally correct this dream is or if that’s what really happened, but it’s been a special thing for us to think about. And as I watched all four boys come together for the first time, meeting Hudson in the hospital, it brought tears to my eyes. I hope they’ll always be able to share a special bond.

Lastly, Hudson’s name. As I mentioned in my previous post, we were trying to decide between the names Porter and Hudson. I have liked Hudson all along, and I felt very strongly that I could picture a little Hudson in our family. In fact, when we were finding out the gender, I was a teeny bit worried if it was a girl, because then I thought we might need to have another baby so we could have a little Hudson. Curt had felt pretty strongly that he wanted to name him after Porter Rockwell. At first he was thinking Rockwell, and then he started thinking Porter. Neither of us wanted to “make” the other one be okay with the name we liked best—we both tried to honestly consider both names. And neither of us was really opposed to either name...so it was just hard to try to decide. Every other time we’ve had a baby, we had the name decided before we got to the hospital, so it was killing me when we got to the hospital and the nurses kept asking if we already had a name...and we didn’t. We talked about it a little bit at the hospital, but then everything picked up with labor...and then he was born!! I think Curt had mentioned at one point that we could do Hudson, but I didn’t realize he was serious until later on when his mom asked if the name was Hudson or not, and Curt said that’s what he had posted to Instagram, so it better be! (I didn’t even realize he had done a post yet, haha) So there we had it! Curt jokes now that since it was my water breaking that ultimately put me into labor, it was like a rushing river, which made Hudson (like the Hudson River) a fitting name, haha. And we both always agreed on the middle name Michael, after Curt’s Dad.

So there you have it. The extremely wordy and detailed birth story of Hudson. We all love him so much and are so incredibly grateful to have him here. With all that we went through the past two years with trying to get pregnant, having a miscarriage, and then all the worries we had at the beginning of the pregnancy and then at the end when they were so worried about my placenta and him measuring small...we are grateful beyond words that everything went so smoothly with the delivery and that he has been perfectly healthy. We are so blessed and recognize the Lord’s hand in all these things. It’s been a trying first week with the normal craziness and lack of sleep that comes with a newborn, added on top of Curt’s extremely busy work schedule all week, and having Tucker & Bronco be sick for a lot of the week too. But I’ve learned from experience just how fast this newborn stage goes, and so I have tried to soak it all in as much as I possibly can. My house has been a mess and I haven’t gotten very many things done besides just barely getting ready and keeping everyone fed and alive, haha, but I am doing my very best to not take anything for granted. I spend a lot of time just holding & looking at Hudson and kissing his sweet face. We are so, so grateful to finally have him in our family, and we are all just smitten.

Sweet Hudson, we love you so!!